When Leaders Overshare (or Shut Down): How Discomfort Can Derail You – and What to Do Instead

When leaders overshare or shut down during emotional conversations, trust suffers. Learn how to stay grounded and lead through discomfort with clarity.

It’s one of the hardest moments in leadership:

A team member walks into your office or books a one-on-one with their jaw tight, eyes welling, or voice raised in frustration. Something’s gone wrong - maybe with another colleague, a client, or a policy they’re being asked to enforce - and now you’re faced with a wave of emotion and an opportunity to lead.

But how you respond in the next few minutes doesn’t just shape the situation - it shapes your reputation.

What Happens When a Leader Overshares?

Sometimes, in our well-intentioned attempt to connect, we end up crossing a line.

Instead of coaching through the discomfort or asking open-ended questions, some leaders overshare:

- They let the employee in on “confidential” context.

- They speak poorly of another staff member or department.

- They try to reassure by revealing too much about their own frustrations, mistakes, or past conflicts.

And while the intent might be empathy or connection, the impact is often broken trust.

The employee might walk away wondering:

- What will they say about me when I’m not in the room?

- Was that even appropriate for them to share?

- Can I really trust them to lead fairly and professionally?

Oversharing is a boundary issue - but it’s often rooted in emotional discomfort.

You want to make things feel better. But instead of holding space, you fill it.

I know this from experience because I've done it before.

I've jumped in too quickly - trying to relate, trying to show empathy - and the next thing I know, I've said too much. Sometimes it's a story about myself that goes too far. Sometimes it’s a personal example I think might help. But halfway through, I can feel it - the pit in my stomach says, ‘That wasn’t it.’ Then I scramble to bring the conversation (and myself) back on track, so I can support the person in front of me instead of managing my own emotions.

Note: A study by the Robert H. Smith School of Business highlights that "sharing personal information in the workplace can backfire when emotional context isn’t managed.” Maryland Smith

And What Happens When a Leader Shuts Down?

On the flip side, some leaders do the opposite.

They hear the frustration, feel the emotional tension - and clamp down hard. They get rigid. Cold. Detached.

Their discomfort with strong emotion shows up as:

- Rushing into problem-solving mode.

- Ignoring or dismissing how the other person is feeling.

- Pushing a quick solution so the situation is 'handled' and they can move on.

For most, it’s not that they don’t care. It’s that they’re uncomfortable (or don't have the empathy skills to show they do).

Have to admit - I’ve done this, too.

When leaders don’t know how to sit with hard emotions - especially when those emotions stir up something inside themselves - they dissociate. They close off. They push the conversation into task mode.

And that’s just as damaging as oversharing. Because once again, connection is lost.

I've seen both sides of this coin happen a few months ago to a client who, with all good intentions, tried to show empathy to an employee’s experience and ended up oversharing. Then, when they realized that their efforts weren’t quite landing the way they hoped, they quickly shifted to solution mode - trying to fix the issue without truly addressing the emotional weight behind it. The employee was left feeling unheard and unseen.

That emotional swing isn’t leadership - it’s self-protection.

Shutting down may feel like a safer route for a leader, but it can cause just as much harm - especially in trust, communication, and team cohesion.

Note: Research shows that "leader avoidance of emotional engagement can reduce team trust and engagement just as quickly as over‑sharing.” Psychology Today+1

So What Does Strong, Rooted Leadership Look Like in These Moments?

It starts with being able to ground yourself and hold steady.

Leadership presence isn’t about being unfeeling. And it’s not about telling all.

It’s about living in the middle - on purpose.

That grounded, human-centered space where you can:

- Acknowledge what others are feeling without becoming responsible for their emotions

- Stay present and supportive without tipping into rescue or reactivity

- Keep the larger mission, values, and boundaries in view

- Lead with both heart and direction

It’s about noticing your own reaction first, so you can stay intentional in how you respond.

And it’s a muscle - one that gets stronger with awareness, practice, and support.

Note: “Empirical findings link higher leader emotional‑intelligence with improved retention, productivity and team collaboration across industries.” Maryland Smith

If you’re in a leadership role and finding yourself swinging between too much and too little - between oversharing and shutting down - know this:

You’re not alone. And you can build the skill to stay grounded, connect well, and lead with clarity.

If you'd like support with growing these muscles, send me a message.

Until next time...